Monday, February 24, 2014


So, adventures in online dating.  Oh, boy.  There are some.
I've tried to sit down and write a post several times, but y'all, there's just so much that I keep getting distracted and starting a new story.  It's pretty epic, no lie.
My friend stopped by today to pick up some stuff to show the kids about spinning wool for Pioneer Day, and whilst she was here, I decided to regale her with my best story.  And boy, howdy, it's a good one.  And a continually progressing one.  I'm going to have to block this guy, finally, because he's a right creeper, no lie. But, it has been amusing while it lasted.  As this is a public blog, and I don't know who reads it, I will keep the stories PG-13, even though they occasionally stray past that....Ew.  Yep.  Just...EW.

So, as of today, I have been on this dating site for 1 month.  Now, as I mentioned before, it's a dating site geared to LDS (Mormon) people, which I thought might be a bit safer for a sweet little innocent like myself. Obviously, I was wrong.  What I said before, about it being a place to troll for sex within one's own belief structure is the truth.  Not all of the truth, as I have met some nice people on it, but definitely some of the truth.

So, let's take the plunge, shall we?  Are you ready for this?

There are interesting patterns one can find with who views one's profile on a dating site, and I've learned that by shifting a few of the parameters around on my profile, I can adjust who or what is interested.  I suppose it makes sense, but it's fascinating, I tell you what.

Here are a few of the patterns that I've noticed...
1-Latin men are very interested in the red hair....
2-Well, most men are interested in the red hair...Why is that?  Rare?
3-There are a couple of age demographics that tend to show up A LOT.
     A-26-28 years old (I think they are either cougar hunters or have mamma issues.  Or both.
     B-40-45 years old (most of the mostly normal ones fall in this group)
     C-Dudes old enough to be my father.  Or grandfather.

So, for whatever reason, social conditioning, call it what you want, the really old dudes creep me out WAY more than the really young ones.  Maybe it's because I expect young, horny boys to act like idiots, I don't know.  And, for some reason, I expect older guys to have a little shall we say, decorum? Perhaps (apparently) I'm expecting too much.

Here's another thing I am learning.  Sometimes, I am HOPELESSLY naive.  It's hilarious, but true.  Also, I'm way too straightforward.  I don't always understand the subtext and it leads to some, shall we say, unusual and unintentionally (on my part) provocative situations.  I'm learning, I'm learning.

So, last week, I got a couple of messages from some guy.  He seemed nice enough. Young, 28, which is fine.  I've made a couple of friendish friends on that site (let me tell you , some things NEVER change.  I am the QUEEN of the friendzone) that are young.  They message me from time to time to tell me about their dates and or conquests and I tell them to behave.

So, this message from the 28 year old, NOT FRIEND.
Hey cutie, you got a phone number?
No seriously, you're beautiful.  Wanna be textually active with me?
Sure, I'm bored.   Here's my number.  Don't use that line again.
Hey there.
Do you want to see some pics of me?
I saw some on the website.
Yeah, but like, right now.
Only if they're polite.
(Texts me a pic of his face with the accompanying text "Hand Check')
LOL.  Nice.
(Texts me a pic with his shirt half pulled up)
Whose abs are those?
Mine, baby.
(Texts me a pic of him standing in a towel in front of his mirror with the most idiotic look on his face.)
For hell's sake, son.  Put some clothes on.
Send me a pic of you.
There are pics on the site.
But, I want one of you right now.
Why not?
Do you send out half nekkid pics of yourself often?
Do you find it effective?
Pretty effective, yeah.
Are you hoping I will fall in lust with your hot bod and do naughty things?
Sorry, hon, I prefer brains and style to a "hot bod"..
Sad face.
No go then?
Ok, bye.

I am not kidding. This is the text convo as it happened.  As silly ass as I think this horny man child is, I'm terribly embarrassed for my own fair sex that he has had any kind of success with this sort of thing.  HOW DESPERATE ARE YOU WOMEN???
I know what he was thinking.  Here's an older woman, probably could use some young male attention.  I know how to make her feel good and get what I want...Easy...

The dumbass.

Then, there are those delightfully macho men who, for some reason, feel the need to educate this poor weak brained female out of her liberal, feminist tendecies.  Because, clearly all that is required is a strong man to show her the error of her ways, to get her to stop watching CNN and BBC and repeating what those silly talking heads say.  She just needs a man to lead her.  (pardon me, I need to go vomit)

There was one guy on there, kept viewing my profile, over and over again.  Let me just say, that it's pretty damn obvious that I'm a liberal, mostly because I say so, twice.  But, maybe they don't read the profile. They just see red hair and lipstick and are all "oooh, pretty...."

This guy, though, I know he read it.  His profile STARTS OUT by saying he's a Constitutional Conservative (whatever that means) and goes downhill from there.  So, finally, he messages me.  Well, sends me a stupid flirt anyway.

Did I tell you what a flirt is?  There's a button on everyone's profile and you can just push it to send an automated "flirt" message.  Apparently, it's there for those whose spines are too weak to actually compose a message to the opposite sex.  So, he sends me FLIRT AFTER FLIRT. And I'm thinking, did you READ my profile?  Did the liberal feminist stuff go over your head?  WHAT?  Finally, I message him and say, Man up and message me or stop sending flirts.
So, he messages me.  I don't remember what he said.  Let's chat, or something innocuous.  So I message him back and say, "Cool, let's chat.  But no politics.  I'm kind of over debating politics right now."  This was right in the middle of being told multiple times that I clearly was not a good Mormon because I voted Democrat or some such.  I was a bit fed up.

So....he messages back and says "You don't get to tell me what to do, Tara, although it's cute that you'd like to."

Um...K.  I sent back.  "I beg your pardon?  If you want to chat with me, I certainly DO get to tell you what to do..."

I never heard back.

1 comment: