Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Pics and the Male Gaze.

So, I have had my profile given the once over by a couple of members of the male species, who aren't interested in me and are therefore...unbiased-ish...viewers of said profile.  The feedback has been interesting.

I suppose I should post the pics here so you know what I am talking about...

This one is my regular profile pic.

 I call it bitch face. Because that is what one of my critiquers called it.  Bitch face is apparently interesting, kids, because, despite that saying that you attract more flies with honey..(who wants flies, anyhow?), it seems to be a lie. I've gotten way more views and messages with bitch face as my primary pic than I have with soft smile girl.
Softy smile girl is false advertising, anyway, unless you are a sweet baby who gives noisy kisses.  And that is NOT a euphemism.  Bitch face appears much more often in real life.  Not to say I don't laugh a lot or that I'm unhappy.  I DO laugh.  A lot.  And I am decidedly happy.  It's just that bitch face is my normal expression.  Besides.  Like I said.  Bitch face garners more hits.  Why?  Not sure.  Maybe because it looks like a challenge.  It was pointed out to me that that may not be the way to find a long term relationship, though, to present a challenge, because, once they conquer the challenge, they'll get bored and be done. Like that's going to happen... Srsly.  First off, this challenge is not conquerable.  Second off, I may be many things, but boring is not one of them.
Here is softy, pretty girl.  Boring.  I've gotten one or two guys who say, Oh, you have a sweet smile.  Is that like a sweet spirit?  Pass.  Also, my shirt says Cougar.  It's for all those 28 year olds with the hot bods... JUST KIDDING.  It's my BYU shirt.  Once again with the naive, it had to be pointed out to me that I was wearing a shirt that says Cougar on a dating site...I'm awesome like that.

This one is the "What?  That doesn't even look like you."

Yeah.  That's because I'm a redhead with NO MAKEUP ON.  Makeup changes everything, kids.

This is the "You look like you're coming down off a crack high."

 I don't really know what that means.  I just thought I looked pretty, but you know, there's no telling what goes on in the male brain...

Another, "Who is that?  You look different."

Yes, we like to call that a new 'do.  Hard concept, apparently.  Girls change their hair from time to time.  And put on glasses.  Geez, I'm like freaking CLARK KENT.  For all you know, I'm Superman.  Woman, actually.  But you get the idea.

Then I had a couple more pics, one of which was the requisite body shot.  That came down, because, apparently, that was the pic that was INVITING THE SEX COMMENTS.  Yeah, see the associated post on my other blog.  HONESTLY.

Anyway, online dating is interesting, because it's all about the pictures.  If you don't look interesting, or pretty, or whatever it is the particular person is looking for, you don't get looked at.  I won't lie, I do a similar thing.  I mean, I DO read their profile and if they seem unsuited to me (which is most of them, I'll be honest), then, nope, no interest.  But, I do like to see what I am considering.  Shallow, perhaps, yes...but, it happens to the best of us.

Monday, February 24, 2014


So, adventures in online dating.  Oh, boy.  There are some.
I've tried to sit down and write a post several times, but y'all, there's just so much that I keep getting distracted and starting a new story.  It's pretty epic, no lie.
My friend stopped by today to pick up some stuff to show the kids about spinning wool for Pioneer Day, and whilst she was here, I decided to regale her with my best story.  And boy, howdy, it's a good one.  And a continually progressing one.  I'm going to have to block this guy, finally, because he's a right creeper, no lie. But, it has been amusing while it lasted.  As this is a public blog, and I don't know who reads it, I will keep the stories PG-13, even though they occasionally stray past that....Ew.  Yep.  Just...EW.

So, as of today, I have been on this dating site for 1 month.  Now, as I mentioned before, it's a dating site geared to LDS (Mormon) people, which I thought might be a bit safer for a sweet little innocent like myself. Obviously, I was wrong.  What I said before, about it being a place to troll for sex within one's own belief structure is the truth.  Not all of the truth, as I have met some nice people on it, but definitely some of the truth.

So, let's take the plunge, shall we?  Are you ready for this?

There are interesting patterns one can find with who views one's profile on a dating site, and I've learned that by shifting a few of the parameters around on my profile, I can adjust who or what is interested.  I suppose it makes sense, but it's fascinating, I tell you what.

Here are a few of the patterns that I've noticed...
1-Latin men are very interested in the red hair....
2-Well, most men are interested in the red hair...Why is that?  Rare?
3-There are a couple of age demographics that tend to show up A LOT.
     A-26-28 years old (I think they are either cougar hunters or have mamma issues.  Or both.
     B-40-45 years old (most of the mostly normal ones fall in this group)
     C-Dudes old enough to be my father.  Or grandfather.

So, for whatever reason, social conditioning, call it what you want, the really old dudes creep me out WAY more than the really young ones.  Maybe it's because I expect young, horny boys to act like idiots, I don't know.  And, for some reason, I expect older guys to have a little more...um... shall we say, decorum? Perhaps (apparently) I'm expecting too much.

Here's another thing I am learning.  Sometimes, I am HOPELESSLY naive.  It's hilarious, but true.  Also, I'm way too straightforward.  I don't always understand the subtext and it leads to some, shall we say, unusual and unintentionally (on my part) provocative situations.  I'm learning, I'm learning.

So, last week, I got a couple of messages from some guy.  He seemed nice enough. Young, 28, which is fine.  I've made a couple of friendish friends on that site (let me tell you , some things NEVER change.  I am the QUEEN of the friendzone) that are young.  They message me from time to time to tell me about their dates and or conquests and I tell them to behave.

So, this message from the 28 year old, NOT FRIEND.
Hey cutie, you got a phone number?
No seriously, you're beautiful.  Wanna be textually active with me?
Sure, I'm bored.   Here's my number.  Don't use that line again.
Hey there.
Do you want to see some pics of me?
I saw some on the website.
Yeah, but like, right now.
Only if they're polite.
(Texts me a pic of his face with the accompanying text "Hand Check')
LOL.  Nice.
(Texts me a pic with his shirt half pulled up)
Whose abs are those?
Mine, baby.
(Texts me a pic of him standing in a towel in front of his mirror with the most idiotic look on his face.)
For hell's sake, son.  Put some clothes on.
Send me a pic of you.
There are pics on the site.
But, I want one of you right now.
Why not?
Do you send out half nekkid pics of yourself often?
Do you find it effective?
Pretty effective, yeah.
Are you hoping I will fall in lust with your hot bod and do naughty things?
Sorry, hon, I prefer brains and style to a "hot bod"..
Sad face.
No go then?
Ok, bye.

I am not kidding. This is the text convo as it happened.  As silly ass as I think this horny man child is, I'm terribly embarrassed for my own fair sex that he has had any kind of success with this sort of thing.  HOW DESPERATE ARE YOU WOMEN???
I know what he was thinking.  Here's an older woman, probably could use some young male attention.  I know how to make her feel good and get what I want...Easy...

The dumbass.

Then, there are those delightfully macho men who, for some reason, feel the need to educate this poor weak brained female out of her liberal, feminist tendecies.  Because, clearly all that is required is a strong man to show her the error of her ways, to get her to stop watching CNN and BBC and repeating what those silly talking heads say.  She just needs a man to lead her.  (pardon me, I need to go vomit)

There was one guy on there, kept viewing my profile, over and over again.  Let me just say, that it's pretty damn obvious that I'm a liberal, mostly because I say so, twice.  But, maybe they don't read the profile. They just see red hair and lipstick and are all "oooh, pretty...."

This guy, though, I know he read it.  His profile STARTS OUT by saying he's a Constitutional Conservative (whatever that means) and goes downhill from there.  So, finally, he messages me.  Well, sends me a stupid flirt anyway.

Did I tell you what a flirt is?  There's a button on everyone's profile and you can just push it to send an automated "flirt" message.  Apparently, it's there for those whose spines are too weak to actually compose a message to the opposite sex.  So, he sends me FLIRT AFTER FLIRT. And I'm thinking, did you READ my profile?  Did the liberal feminist stuff go over your head?  WHAT?  Finally, I message him and say, Man up and message me or stop sending flirts.
So, he messages me.  I don't remember what he said.  Let's chat, or something innocuous.  So I message him back and say, "Cool, let's chat.  But no politics.  I'm kind of over debating politics right now."  This was right in the middle of being told multiple times that I clearly was not a good Mormon because I voted Democrat or some such.  I was a bit fed up.

So....he messages back and says "You don't get to tell me what to do, Tara, although it's cute that you'd like to."

Um...K.  I sent back.  "I beg your pardon?  If you want to chat with me, I certainly DO get to tell you what to do..."

I never heard back.

How 'bout it, y'all

I'm hanging out waiting for the Small Daughter to fall asleep when I realize, HEY perfect time to write a small post!!  Just a taste, as it were, of the stories I have...
I've got some epic stories, kids.  Things have happened that truly were not anticipated when I joined the online dating world.  Some good, some HILARIOUSLY bad.

Out of respect for the nice guys out there, I will not give you the good stories, except to say that they are good.  Besides, they are nearly as amusing.

So, onward and upward and all that.

Let's begin.

I joined this lovely (sort of) LDS themed (sort of) site about...2 weeks ago?  Or something like that.  I had originally posted a couple of pics of me and Small Daughter.  They weren't up for long.  Ew.  Creepers.  I took those down right away.  Now, it's just pics of me.  Which, in case you were curious, are smokin' hot.
I've been told, more times than I can count, that I look good for my age.  Whut.  Isn't that a sort of back handed compliment?  "Damn, you old, but you sure look fine for bein' so old!"  Thanks...or something...I think.

So, not two days after joining, I got my first chat window pop up.  There's IM on the site.
-Blah, blah, chat, chat, you pretty, love red hair, if we go out I wanna touch your boobs.
-Yeah, I like to touch boobs.
I...what?  No, sorry.  No, that's not in the contract.  No.
-Oh, well, I can't date a girl who won't let me play with her boobs.
Ok, bye!

Alright, I concur his wording may have been slightly smoother than that, but not much.  Hi, caveman, please go back to your cave.

Within the next couple of days, I got no less than 4 offers for sex.  Couched in semi-polite terms, of course, since we're all Mormons here.  Or something...

At that point I edited my profile.  I had to add a line about if they are trolling for sex, cyber or otherwise, they should seek elsewhere.  Because, EW!  Like I'm gonna run off and bang some dude from the 'net?  I mean, geez, get to know a girl a little first.

And then it happened.  I got the message to end all messages.  Ok, that's a lie, because it escalated.
Stay tuned for the dark, unholy tale...

Wednesday, January 29, 2014


So, I'm recently divorced, after having been married for nearly 12 years.  We were separated for about a year and a half during the negotiations.  Anyway, long story short, I've been off the regular dating circuit for about 14 years.  And, boy, have things changed.  I've got several divorced friends, and some not yet taken the plunge singleton friends as well.  And, it seems, the thing to do these days is online dating.

Now, online dating, of course, was around before I got married, as my dear roommate actually met her husband online longer ago than 14 years.    They're still married, by the way.  But, I had never done it.  And now I know why.

My friends, the online dating scene is fraught with peril.  More peril than is to be found in the realspace dating scene, I am thinking. I suppose it stands to reason, there are a lot of people in one space all after (sort of) the same thing.  It's not like Walmart, where there are lots of people, and many of them may be after dates, or whatever, but the difference is, you don't all KNOW it.

So, being a bit wary anyhow, after a bit of convincing, I went ahead and signed up for a dating site.  Now, as many of you know, I'm LDS (Mormon) and I have certain standards I like to uphold in my personal life.  I figured the safest way to be sure that others would know I stuck to certain standards would be to sign up for a dating site that caters to Mormons.  So I did.

Oh, dear heaven above.

Based on my experience so far (just over a week), a Mormon geared dating site is just a dating site where you troll for sex within your own "belief system".  Ok, I exaggerate.  A smidge.  But have I got some stories for you.

I thought it might be entertaining and informative (HA) to chronicle my experiences in online dating here. Because, they are pretty damn hilarious.  Also, occasionally sickening, but mostly hilarious.  Please, feel free to add your dating stories to the mix.  This should be an educational experience.